Sunday, December 28, 2008

Buttoned down (pig, in a blanket!)

I have a warm (though aged) down coat. It has served me well, surviving last year's walking commute without any troubles.

For Christmas, this year, my husband gifted me with a Polar Parka -- a goose down good 'til minus 100 kind of winter coat. He bought this garment in size SMALL. Uh huh. For your truly, the corpulent and exploding out of compression garments laundress.


I told him it was lovely. I told him I loved it. I told him I love him.

I hate.

Hate the damn big coat that is way too small for me. Hate me for being too big for the huge little garment. Hate the whole holiday and the idea of giving people you love something they might love so they may love you more.



Annie said...

There is a website called Calorie Count which has all sorts of tools for fitness, nutrition and weight management.It also hosts groups for support and education. There is one called "Walkers" which is about those of us who do it, who enjoy it, and who want to share experiences. One of the forums in the group publishes the occasional pertinent science and research findings related to fitness, nutrition and activity/exercise/metabolism. So - there are tools in your future, should you wish to avail yourself of one, some or all of them.

I found this site because of a long list of unintentional occurrences starting with my firing three years ago for whistle-blowing where lives were, and still are, being imperiled. I was blacklisted, defamed (isn't the internet wonderful) and have been unable to find employment doing anything in or out of my field, while my finances were decimated, I was preyed upon by all manner of humanity from a sexual predator with an MPH to clergy, prospective employers, politicians, nurses and physicians. I have been homeless with no safe shelter for over a year, and I eat sometimes from scavenged food found in the gutter and in rubbish bins. The weight just came off. Quelle surprise.

I walk everywhere because bus fare is out of reach. My toenails have all fallen off, and more times than I have kept count, my feet bleed, and I ruin yet another pair of socks.

My winter boots have sprung more splits in the nylon and I haven't decided if my feet are wetter with or without them.

My winter coat hangs loose, is stained and frayed, but no one has been interested in buying my too large gently worn work clothes, and I have no other personal belongings left to sell, so even the thrift store is out of reach to replace outerwear.

Out of this I learned that no one will even speak to me. And so for three years I have lived in real and ceaseless silence. In so doing, I have forgotten how to speak and to carry on any sort of conversation, should the very rare opportunity arise.

If you want your new and wonderful coat to fit, I suggest that you simply eat a diet of oatmeal, beans and rice - two meals every day, and supplement it with local, in season fresh fruits and vegetables prepared well. The NYT has a remarkable recipe column in its Health section with just such foods made wonderfully well. I read it and entertain myself with idle thoughts of being able to make them.

I also recommend getting up close and personal with people who are whistleblowing and speaking truth to power because the research literature says that there is a certain future for us - we die shortly after, ostracized, disenfranchised and dehumanized.

It's almost enough to ruin your appetite.

Harriet said...

Um, or you could just exchange the damn coat for one that fits.

rlbates said...

Merry, I understand. Happy New Year to you!

Awesome Mom said...

Well isn't it the thought that is supposed to count? You can always try and exchange it.

I have banned my husband from ever buying me anything wearable. He has no grasp on the sizing issues that confront women. It is quite confusing because really what size you are depends a lot on who is the designer of the item you are getting and how you like your clothing to fit.

You should try being "fluffy" and needing to get maternity clothing. Now there is a awful thing to face, apparently only skinny women that like to show off cleavage get pregnant. I have resorted to mostly wearing larger men's shirts so that my growing belly is covered even if it is not very stylish.

The Laundress said...

(ahem) apologies for the tantrum disguised as a post.

Annie, oh sweet Annie. Hugs and hoorays to you for whistle-blowing and damn, damn, damn, sorry it has been so awful! Hang in there, hope you become the next Karen Silkwood kind of public hero (with a HAPPY ending).

I have actually been considering (can I confess this with a straight face? yeah, I guess so...) the CR Diet -- involves a lot of boiled barley and a smattering of fruits and veggies. The three-page description of how to enjoy a single blueberry just about made me give up... but nope, I think it just might work for me.

Harriet, you are sensible. And normal. And smart. Yeah, returning the coat and exchanging it for an "extra-large petite" (oxymoron that makes my husband erupt in loud comments) would be sensible. I am not sensible. I am angry and embarrassed and don't want him to know I can't zip the zipper, therefore negating about 90% of his gift's warmth.

Dr. Bates -- THANK YOU (for everything except maybe routinely whupping me in Scrabble!)

Oh Awesome, maternity wear is so much more appealing now than ever before! I know, it still blows. But just 10 years ago, spent my last month in a lavender polyester mini-dress because it was the ONLY thing that fit. But last week, at Macy's, I was browsing the maternity department without KNOWING it. The clothing was CUTE. Hang in there!

Norma said...

I think it's sweet that he sees you as a "small" when you say you aren't now. 5 lbs is a dress size, so it doesn't take much. I bought a winter coat at a resale shop last year. This year I moved the buttons. It was fine as long as I stood very still and never sat down in the car. But it is terribly heavy. Wonder what they used to put in coats when they were made in the USA. Wool?

Citizen Reader said...

Dear heart,
Oh, presents. Always a complex issue. I was actually annoyed with my mister when he bought me a watch, because he bought it from a department store and not our nice little local jeweler. It's expecting a lot to think he'll know all that. So I hear you on presents.

If it's any consolation you'll always be both petite and small to me. When I worked with you I was always jealous, you looked so put together and dressy. I felt like a total shlub next to you! Then again, I embraced my inner (and outer) shlub about ten years back, so I've largely given up on clothing fitting issues.

Happy new year sweets, with hopefully no clothing issues in sight.

The Laundress said...


ouch -- can relate to that standing-still-and never-sitting-down kind of car coat! Oh, you clever woman, moving the buttons is good.

Not sure what I can do about this coat with a substantial zipper (with wind flap).


Good point about "Made in the USA" -- I have blogged before on my sister's abandoned efforts to find the garment workers union label in her clothes. At Christmas, my 84 y.o. mom was joking that her sweater must be almost as old as she was, because it had a "Made in USA" tag.

pfft, CR! You are gorgeous and sparkle, like a tiny, straight Rachel Maddow (only with cooler t-shirts). Your mister has good intentions and a good heart (like my lousy coat guy?) It is awful to buy gifts for holidays. Even when you are trying hard to keep it simple. I gifted the husband with a Stuttgart auto racing sweater. It fit him perfectly, in his favorite (dreadful and unflattering but still, his FAVORITE) color: screaming orange. He is gleeful and has been wearing it nonstop. I knew he would and that delights me. See, it is all about the giving. Damn. I am going to jolly up and slim down and glow in the little tiny great big parka.

mary said...

Happy New Year from the slob in the all cotton mens western style snap front shirt with frayed cuffs and collar and holey paint-stained sweat pants.
Find a fantastically soft, long, beautiful cashmere scarf; wind it around your neck once or twice; tuck the ends in your pant pockets; and forget using that too small zipper part of the coat. That way you can use it until the holiday fluff goes away. All your walking gets you warmed up enough to have an open coat (maybe), and you can always hug yourself if the wind picks up...
Warm wishes from my day's high temp of 19F...low of minus 10F...and 2 more inches of that white fluffy stuff...uhgggg

ThePreemie Experiment said...

I say you wear the coat, tightly zippered. This way when you fall on the ice it may split and the whole problem will be solved. lol

Sorry for the snarky comment. lol I couldn't resist.

My coat?? I have a leather coat given to me by my step mother in law. Sound sweet?? Here's how it went.

"Stacy, I'm giving you my old coat that doesn't fit me anymore since I lost the weight. I'm not sure if it will be too small for you but I figured you could use a nice coat."

Now, that's mean on quite a few levels but then I had to touch this coat. Being a vegetarian I'm picky about my fabrics. This one had a hat with REAL fur. She knows how I feel.

Gotta love step MIL's!

Happy New Year Merry!!


The one who always loses in scrabble to you and Dr. Bates!

The Laundress said...

Mary, I have a feeling that you wear worn men's Western shirts very, very well. Add some good jeans instead of the sweatpants and you are party-ready.

Gorgeous fashion advice, cashmere scarf wound about and stuffed in pants pockets is just glamourous as all get out. I like it. I will do it. Except, probably will opt for faux-cashmere for laundry-readiness.

Stacy, what a dreadfully inappropriate gift. Either your step-MIL is either pure evil or pure awkward. Benefit of the doubt, let's just call her socially uncomfortable (I can relate to that!). Oh boy, what a present. Rush it off to local thrift store and find something like Norma's!


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